


there's pain sewn into the shirt on my back and I don't know if I want to take it off

by labecc



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Cuddling, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Self Harm, Snuggling, lowkey Fighting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 22:31:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12351876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labecc/pseuds/labecc
Summary: Gon finds out that Killua relapsed and tries to help.





	there's pain sewn into the shirt on my back and I don't know if I want to take it off

**Author's Note:**

> SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING  
> (pls be safe guys ily)

Killua stood in Gon's room, facing away from the door, and sorting out his shirt so he could put it on. Gon approached the door to his room, stopping at the frame when he saw Killua. His lips contoured into a mischievous smile as he silently walked up behind him. Killua jumped as Gon wound his arms around his waist, his clothed chest making warm contact with his back. Gon repeatedly kissed Killua's neck, his lips traveling down his shoulder. He started to loosen his hold on Killua's waist and moved over until he was in front of him. Gon continued to kiss Killua on his neck, his collarbones, his cheeks; until he finally connected their lips. Killua impulsively threw the shirt in his hands onto the bed and proceeded to run his hands up Gon's chest, resting them on his shoulders as Gon lightly stroked his waist.

Once they simultaneously pulled apart, Gon lifted his right hand and rested it on top of Killua's, looking down at their connected hands. Gon's glare quickly shifted from relaxed to concerned as he scanned Killua's arm. Killua immediately knew the reason why, a feeling of guilt rising in his chest when he remembered.  
"Killua…" Gon whispered. Killua pulled his arm away and held it against his chest, his other hand pulling away and covering the newest layer of scars that cluttered his pale skin.  
"Don't worry about it Gon, I'm fine," Killua insisted as he pulled away from Gon's reach.  
"No you're not!"  
"What do you know? I said I'm fine!" Killua turned to the bed to resume putting on his shirt. He quickly pulled it over his head and straightened his arms through the sleeves.   
"Stop it, Killua," Gon said.  
"Stop what? I'm not doing anything," Killua retorted. Gon walked towards him, stopping as he pulled at Killua's shoulder, forcing him to look back at Gon.  
"Stop acting like it's no big deal!" Tears began to force their way out of Gon's eyes, "Like nobody cares when they obviously do!"  
Killua stared wide eyed at Gon, the temptation of denial fading at the sight of his distressed countenance.

Killua remained speechless, hoping, in vain, that something would make it's way out of his mouth.  
"Say something Killua," Gon begged helplessly.  
"I…" Killua muttered, sighing as he strained to come up with something to say. A tense silence hung in the air until Gon spoke silently,  
"Don't you understand that I just want to help you?"  
"Y-yes," Killua muttered.  
"Then why don't you ever accept it?" Gon questioned fretfully. Killua took a moment to try putting his emotions into words, the complexity of them stumping him.   
"I-I'm afraid," He muttered.  
"Why?" Gon asked.  
"Because… I don't know. I don't want to talk about it," Killua turned and sat himself on the bed, scooting back and pulling his legs up against his chest. He wrapped his arms around his legs and buried his head in his knees; Gon sighed and kneeled next to him, setting one hand on Killua's leg and one on his shoulder.

Gon rubbed Killua's pale skin, slowly moving his hand up to work his fingers through his white locks.   
"Please just talk to me, Killua. It scares me that I don't even know how to help my own boyfriend," Gon explained, a few more tears running down his cheeks. Killua let out a shaky sigh.  
"I just…" he slowly picked up his head and turned to look at Gon, tears suddenly spilling out of his eyes, "I'm always afraid that you'll think I'm disgusting and unworthy, I don't even know why you've stayed with me for so long when you could do so much fucking better than me. I only get in the way and I know I'm not worth it, like honestly I'm so screwed up that I cut myself to feel better, how can it get more disgusting than that?" Killua sobbed, "I know everyone wishes that I could just die already, I don't know why I haven't tried yet, your life would be so much better without me," Killua crossed his arms on his knees and buried his face in them as he cried. Gon stared at Killua in concerned fear, his eyes glistening.  
"Please look at me Killua," He requested; Killua lifting his head up slowly in response. Gon gently put his hands on either side of Killua's head, running his hands through his hair once again. Killua's sobbing increased in intensity when he looked into Gon's eyes, his entire body shaking with self abhorrence.   
"You'll be okay Killua, just breathe," Gon said soothingly, "I'm here for you, everything will be alright," Killua attempted to take slower breaths; his corrupted sighs shook as the stream of tears began to steady. Killua opened up a bit, his legs stretching out and his arms wrapping around his chest.

Gon took the opportunity to lift his leg over one of his thighs, straddling it. Gon moved his hands onto Killua's wet cheeks and softly lifted his face, using his thumbs to wipe away some of the tears.  
"Killua, you are the exact opposite of what you just said. You are not disgusting or unworthy, you're strong and lovely and I could never leave you, you're too special to ever get rid of." Gon explained, "I could never live without you, you're my entire reason for not giving up. And your scars don't make you ugly or disgusting, they simply show all of the things you've managed to get out of alive. You're perfect and anyone who thinks otherwise can fight me, Okay?" Gon declared, staring into Killua's eyes. Killua suddenly wrapped his arms around Gon's waist and quickly pulled their bodies together, burying his face in his shoulder as he cried. Gon hugged Killua's shoulders hard in return, nuzzling his face against the side of his head.  
"I love you Killua, I love you so much," Gon stated, pushing as much passion as he could into the words; tears reappearing in his eyes.  
"I love you too Gon," Killua returned, "I don't- I don’t know how to say…" He stuttered, "How much I love you," Killua buried his face into Gon's shoulder, letting himself cry until he couldn't anymore. Gon rocked Killua from side to side as the tears subsided, effectively calming him down.

Gon pet Killua's head, every so often playing with his hair. Killua repeatedly tightened and released his fists on Gon's shirt; their tears dried as the moments passed, a sweet serenity settling over them.  
"You tired, Killua?" Gon whispered. Killua nodded into his neck and hummed. "Alright, lets go to bed then," Gon laid a kiss on his cheek and started to pull back, Killua's arms reluctantly sliding away from their position on his waist. Gon stepped off of the bed onto the cold floor, Killua soon following and reattaching his arms around him. Gon reached to pull back the bed covers, and immediately after he did so, Killua let go of him and swiftly positioned himself under the covers, pulling the fluffy blankets over his body.

Gon couldn't help but smile softly when Killua closed his eyes and curled up under the blankets. Gon watched him for a few moments, admiring the curves of his face and watching the rise and fall of his torso as he breathed.  
"Gon?" Killua whispered tiredly, his eyes fluttering open.  
"Oh, yeah?" Gon said, snapping out of his haze. Killua responded by pulling the bed covers back and stretching his arms out to him. Gon blushed and smiled wide at him, soon crawling under the covers to join him. He immediately wrapped his arms around Killua's shoulders; Killua placing an arm on Gon's waist and curling the other arm up against his chest. Killua nuzzled into Gon's neck then sighed as he let his muscles relax. Gon kissed him on the head before lightly tightening his arms around him and humming as he sighed. A few moments passed before Gon spoke again.  
"When do you think we'll actually talk through what just happened?"  
"Do we have to do this now?" Killua groaned.  
"Well we can't just avoid it; you need to let me help you," Gon reminded.  
"I know… we can talk about it tomorrow night,"  
"Alright," Gon agreed, "But you can't back out of it, okay?"  
"Okay," Killua whispered, closing his weary eyes. Gon lightly kissed his forehead before he let his eyes slowly close.

 


End file.
